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November 20, 2008
RALEIGH, NC: Lit cigarette between fingers, Big Tobacco has its
hand out. "Our products are poison, and no one's buying them!"
wailed Nick di Benzene.
"The federal government is spending 700
billion to bail out incompetent money managers, another 25 billion to
bail out incompetent auto manufacturers. Can't they throw a few
billion our way? We know exactly what we're doing. It's just that
we're running out of people to kill."
The Menthol Bailout is meeting with some opposition. As the US
market is drying up, tobacco sales overseas have increased due to an
aggressive marketing campaign and a lack of trial lawyers in third
world countries. "Big Tobacco is bringing jobs to America," said a
nervous Congressman taking a few drags outside the Capitol Building,
"and we would have a hard time giving money to a company that's
insourcing. So what if their product is unsafe when used as
directed? Caveat emptor, the free market at work."
Many industries are hard-hit by the world-wide financial crisis and
will be turning to US taxpayers for releif. Scheduled for hearings
include representatives from Big Amusement Park, Big Escort Service
and Big Lemonade Stand. All will make the case that they're too
important to fail.
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